How to be a writer in Lagos. (;-P)

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You must first be seen hobnobing with people in the writing community, never miss an opportunity to attend a book reading at arty fatsy places such as Glendora, Bogobiri, Jazzhole and Quintessence.

Be very vocal, so vocal, people could easily mistake you for a freedom rights activist. Your role and main goal is to be heard, not through your written words, but your voice. You must scream and you must argue with fanatical fervor.You mustn’t forget to dress the part. Please endeavour to appear dirty, dingy and dodgy. Dressing up nicely or “normally” will just not cut it here.You are a tortured soul, and therefore cannot be bothered by trivial things such as looks. You must wear dread locks or dada and preferably a pair of nerdy glasses, dirty jeans and smelly looking tee shirts. It would help if you could pretend to be gay or bisexual, you will come off as very worldly and open minded and liberal.

Think about it.

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What to do when in Love

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When in love, fearlessly express your love in a variety of ways. Never worry about what others might say or think. Always speak the truth that lies in your heart.

When in love, gather all your courage with both hands, and feel free to beat up your man, or chase him around the village square as Ntsame Minlame did in Daniel Mengara’s Mema, at the end of the chase, you can always dramatically end the scene by using your machete on yourself, what better way to demonstrate the term ‘crazy in love’.

Continue to love selflessly a person who has demonstrated countless times, the inability to reciprocate your love, a person who does not in any way deserve your love or friendship, when in love, you are allowed major acts of stupidity and great foolishness, after all, it is only fools who love.

When in love, please remember to act irrational, you are after all high on the drug ‘love’. You cannot be blamed for your deeds. You follow only the dictates of your heart.

Where thou goes, there also shall I go, if you smoke weed, I’ll smoke some too, if you jump off the third mainland bridge, baby, I’ll be right behind you.

Being in love allows you quarrel with everyone you’ve known all your life for the sake of your boo. They don’t know how this person makes you feel, he’s the best, she’s the best! Bla bla, no one can understand you, because no one has ever loved like you.

The sun is obviously brighter, and the whole world is much more beautiful, even the debris in the gutter looks like art in your love struck eyes.

Love is a beautiful drug. It made you empty your bank account for your amore. It also made you fly away for a weekend getaway on a Tuesday, when you should have been tending to pressing matters at work and caused you to be fired on Monday morning.

Ah! Lest I forget, you must forget yourself and what you deserve, you must mould yourself and build your life around the one you love so deeply, passionately, foolishly. After all, love is all about giving selflessly.

Accept it when birthdays are forgotten, and  gifts turn out to be discarded things your lover could do without. There’s love in sharing. You on the other can spend hours poring over the perfect gift, someone has to teach by example, besides, its only been  7 years, he’ll learn next year.